Toooo faaaaaast.

This started out just as a random blurb about school, but turned into oh so much more. Sorry in advance for those of you on the LJ feed, because I don't know if I can do an LJ cut with this thing, but I'll see if I can find it before I make a post. (Okay, I think I found it. If it doesn't work, um...I'm really sorry. I'll modify the blog so it only picks up the first paragraph on the RSS feed.) Those of you who are reading the blog via the front page, sorry if this looks all funky...

(Edited later: Okay, nevermind all the concerns about posting--I don't think that the RSS feed is going to read the LJ cut, because of the way Blogger's news thingy works, so I have changed it so that you actually have to click the link to read the post if you're reading from LJ. Sorry about that.)

My speech class continues as I suspected it would. Though I still strongly object to my grade being impacted by teammates who I know aren't going to do a damn thing, I can't really do all that much about it, unless I want to drop the class and roll the dice again next time. Except now, if I drop, it really does go on my transcript, and that whole academic probation thing I mentioned just really does not sit well. It just frustrates me, though--I am in school to learn, I am not in school to play mom. If I wanted to be a parent, I'd have kids of my own, rather than going to a community college where I could *pay* for the privilege. Rar. I keep trying to make the best of this, because I know how strong having a positive attitude about something can be, how much that can change things, but man, as far as I'm concerned, this really sucks. A lot.

History class, well. I'm having the same trouble here that I've had with online/web courses in the past--it's far too easy to just not worry about any of it, and the book, ow, talk about a cure for insomnia. I thought my speech textbook was bad, but no, this one takes the cake. I also have only a couple of days to get my ass in gear and catch up--we're having a review this Thursday, and our first test on next Thursday. We shall see how this goes.

I shouldn't be surprised how much the school vibe is affecting my mood in general (not to mention the stupid work schedule), I really shouldn't, but I am. I am feeling very pressured and stressed out and constantly really fucking tired, for all that I go to bed shortly after I get home on class nights and take naps in the afternoon on other nights--because, you know, I'd actually like to see my husband now and again. But all of that is combining to make me incredibly cranky, with a practically non-existent fuse on my temper, which leads me to being absolutely horrible company. Either I'm pissy about something, or I am just so exhausted that I can't bring up any enthusiasm about much of anything. Not even Lost, which depresses me. Only hockey is exempt, and even that contributes to the whole exhaustion factor. I am so tired all the time and so generally underwhelmed by everything in the world that I haven't done a single thing for this craft faire that I have coming up the first weekend in November.

Fuck.

And there goes yet another block on top of the pile that I'm trying desperately to balance. Ever feel like your life is a Jenga game that's on the verge of toppling over, and even though you try like hell to keep it stable, even though you might be a master of the balancing act and of playing the game, you also know that gravity is an undeniable force and that sooner or later, you're going to fuck up the structural integrity with something that might seem small, that you might think would just cause a little wobble and maybe a block or two to fall off, but it really ends up with the whole thing tipping over and making this COLOSSAL noise and an even bigger mess?

Yeah.

All of this has made me seriously reconsider a lot of things, both career-wise and school-wise, but it all comes down to the same thing. I want out of this job and this industry at some point, but the only way I'm going to do that is to go to school, unless I want to do the jewelry thing full time, which I do, but I don't know if I could make enough money at it to do it full time, and aaaarrrg.

My brain will. Not. STOP.

Someone told me this past weekend that I really needed to take some time to myself, some time to relax, find my center, and find my balance, and that if I could only do that, I'd find that Queen of Swords (for those of you familiar with the tarot) within me that will kick ass and take names. I can be that person, but I need to start from a calm place first.

I understand that. I really, really do. There's a studio here that offers meditation classes, and the desire and the *need* to do that is so strong that every time I look at the page, I practially get all teary-eyed. And hell, I'm sure that some of you reading this could probably agree that I really need to just chill the fuck out, yeah? And I really think that it would help me out in a big big way.

But cripes, where do I find the TIME? And the money, for that matter, though that's a separate issue.

We shall see. I am now putting a conscious effort into relaxing right this moment, because typing about all of this has me all wound up, gah. But really. We shall see. Hopefully, I can do something about some of this stuff. It's just hard to remember to take it all one day (one chapter, one assignment, one piece of jewelry) at a time.